TOGETHER WE REPAIR: EDINBURGH INTERNATIONAL BOOK FESTIVAL

I met a nice couple after our Citizen Group’s performances at the Book Festival on Monday. Time was really tight at the end of the evening – we must have been among the last to leave the Edinburgh Futures Institute – and I’m sorry we didn’t have longer to discuss the event, but thanks for being so kind about it!
As I explained the other night, we had to pare our contributions right back to three minute slots due to time constraints. I think my original draft was over six minutes, but with careful editing (i.e. removing large chunks of swearie words!) I got it down to the required length.
So as promised, here is my Stories and Scran contribution How May I Help You? I am really chuffed that you enjoyed the piece so much and I do hope you’ll enjoy reading it again.
Stories and Scran is a real community event and I know my fellow Citizen writers get just as much pleasure from participating at the event as I do – there’s always a very warm and welcoming atmosphere and audiences are invariably supportive. It’s that enthusiasm that makes Stories and Scran so special.
It was nice to meet you, and who knows – maybe we’ll do it all over again next year!
HOW MANY I HELP YOU?

I was sitting in a queue of morning rush hour traffic when I was startled by a loud blast on a horn. I thought the traffic had moved again while I had been daydreaming, but no: the driver alongside me was pointing down to the back of my car.
Confused, I wound down my window. “Your back tyre is flat”, he called across.
Fortunately there is a big AutoCare Centre just along the road and I was able to trundle along there. The tyre was completely flat now and the wheel made a horrible squealing noise as it rumbled along.
I parked and approached the Reception Desk. John was in charge. I know this because he wore a big badge with his name on it – and he also answered the phone many times while I waited to be seen.
“Good morning AutoCare Centre, John speaking, how may I help you? Ah yes, Mr Wilson. The Zafira, wasn’t it? Let me check …”
I don’t know what John checked. He didn’t move, or even look at a screen. He stood, eyes closed, in a trance-like state for ages … maybe he was psychic?
“Mr Wilson? Sorry about that, sir. Yes, the lads are on it now. Can you give us a call back around lunchtime? … I do realise that, sir, but we have been very busy this morning … yes, I’ll call you back with an update. Of course … Yes, you have a nice day now …
Maybe I imagined it, but I’m sure he muttered: “Phone you back? Aye,right!”
Barely had John put the phone down than it was ringing again. “Good morning, Autocare Centre, John speaking how may … ah hello, Mrs Hill I was just going to call you. Great minds think alike, eh?
“Some bad news, I’m afraid – we are still waiting for parts … yes, six weeks IS a long time but we have to get the parts sent over from France you see … I do understand, Mrs Hill, but between Covid and Brexit … yes, yes, I can only apologise. You know what the French are like … I will chase them up again the second I put the phone down. I’ll call you right back … ‘
He put the phone down, gave a mighty sigh and raised his eyes. “Be with you in a second, sir,” he told me. “Help yourself to a complimentary tea or coff …”
The phone rang again. “Good morning Autocare Centre, John … och it’s just you, Benny!. How you doin’, my man? Are yous busy down there – we’re rushed off our feet here …’
I did fancy a coffee but a lengthy queue was building up behind me and I didn’t want to lose my place.
After quite a while, one customer had had enough. “This is bloody ridiculous!” he said in a very loud voice.
I heard it, the whole queue heard it, the tyre fitters in the workshop heard it – but John was oblivious. His conversation went on and on …
Finally, he glanced up … “Sorry, Benny, I’ll have to love you and leave you … we’re stowed oot the door here!”
I WAS NEXT!
“Sorry about your wait, sir, we’ve been UNBELIEVABLY busy this morning. Now, what can I do for you? What appears to be the problem?
Now, I would have thought that the problem would have been fairly obvious to John, but I pointed to my shredded tyre.
“Ah yes, we’ll take a look at that for you. The lads are busy just now but have a seat and we’ll get it up on a ramp as soon as we can. Help yourself to a coff …
The telephone rang again.
“Good morning, AutoCare Centre, J …Nearly afternoon? What a quick morning it’s been! Ah yes, Mrs Hill! Ye’ll no’ believe this – I was just going to call you …






































