Charity urges bereaved Scots to seek help before paying high funeral costs

  • SunLife Cost of Dying annual report finds rises in professional fees and send-off costs has pushed the overall cost of dying to £9,200
  • The cost of a basic funeral remains historically high, but has fallen by 0.6% to £3,953 in Scotland.

The recent news that the overall cost of dying has increased to well over £9,000 will be making a lot of people worry how they will pay, should a loved one pass away without any financial plans in place.

However, the Sunlife Cost of Dying Report 2023 https://www.sunlife.co.uk/funeral-costs/ has found the cost of a basic funeral has dropped. This appears to be partly the result of the growing acceptability of simpler funerals and direct cremations.

Despite this, the funeral poverty charity Caledonia Funeral Aid is still advising bereaved people to contact them for support, before resorting to drastic measures such as using loan sharks, fundraising, or selling possessions.

Co-founder and chair John Halliday explains why: “Despite the glimmer of good news here, our relentless fight to try to push down funeral prices will need to continue. It is harder than ever for people facing a cost-of-living crisis to find even the money for a basic funeral.

“We are particularly concerned about the growing problem of funeral directors requiring deposits – we have heard time and time again people turned away from every funeral directors because they don’t have the hundreds or thousands of pounds of cash required for the initial deposit.

“Others take on a huge debt they can’t afford because they feel like there is no alternative. Indeed, the report has found that there has been a rise in the number of people taking out a debt to pay for the funeral.

“At Caledonia Funeral Aid, we provide free advice on how to organise and pay for a funeral, what financial help is available and how to cope with a recent bereavement.

“We offer simple, dignified and cremations through our not-for-profit funeral directors Caledonia Cremation, which we set up in 2018 to support those facing funeral poverty.”

Donna turned to Caledonia Funeral Aid after her friend Adam died earlier this year:

I approached several funeral directors who turned me away when they heard money was an issue. I was so worried as I wanted to honour Adam’s wishes and give him a decent send-off.

Luckily, I called Caledonia Funeral Aid, and they advised me of more affordable options and the financial assistance that was available. As a result, I managed to organise a dignified and caring funeral for my dear friend. I don’t know what I would have done if I hadn’t had that help.”

With demand for their services anticipated to continue in the current financial climate, John has issued an urgent callout to the public for help:

We are charity-owned, and only have finite resources, so we are looking for kind-hearted Scots to join our team as volunteer funeral and bereavement guides.

“It may sound daunting, but the work we do is both important and rewarding. Dealing with a bereavement can be an overwhelming and distressing experience, especially when finances are an issue, so the clients we support really do appreciate having us to turn to, during these tough times.

“So, if you are bereaved or looking to make a real difference to people’s lives, please do call our advice line now 03000 113301. Our team are compassionate, friendly and will be there for you for as long as it takes.”

https://www.sunlife.co.uk/funeral-costs/

Panic as funeral pre-payment firms collapse under new reforms

Scotland’s largest independent funeral directors, William Purves, is fielding calls from several worried customers concerned about the implications of forthcoming funeral plan reforms. 

From July 29th, organisations selling funeral plans will fall under the regulation of the Financial Conduct Authority (FCA) which will ensure that all plans are properly underwritten. 

And while good news for customers in the long term, it is feared that many buyers will be out of pocket in the short term as some smaller funeral plan providers fold as they are unable to satisfy the FCA requirements. 

Andrew Purves, Director of William Purves explains: “Customers who have purchased pre-payment plans designed to cover the cost of their funerals are naturally concerned about the implications of the reform. 

“Thankfully we can put our customers’ minds at rest as in recent years our plans have been one of the big three providers. However, the stark reality is that some customers’ pre-bought funerals, particularly those bought from smaller providers, may not be honoured.“ 

A number of funeral plan providers have already decided to stop operating and have approached larger providers to take over their plans – sadly some are expected to fold as the July deadline looms. 

Andrew continued: “My advice is if you have concerns or worries speak to the Funeral Director who you purchased the plan from, or the plan provider themselves, and ask what guarantees they can provide.

“We are in the process of contacting all William Purves pre-payment customers to update them on the situation.

“We welcome the regulation of pre-paid plans which are designed to protect customers and raise standards for plans sold in the future; however, this is of little comfort to those people who have taken steps to put their affairs in order and who may well be penalised.

“We will continue to keep our customers informed.” 

Co-op warns of pending grief pandemic across Edinburgh

  • Co-op Funeralcare estimates 9.7 million mourners have been denied the opportunity to say their last goodbye at their loved one’s funeral
  • With only 50% of funerals proceeding with restricted attendance over lockdown, Scotland ranks one of the highest in the UK for funerals that went ahead
  • Just 4% said that someone visiting them was the most comforting thing that someone did for them when experiencing a bereavement in Scotland
  • 59% of bereaved UK adults said lockdown had negatively impacted their grief process
  • A further 61% of bereaved UK adults, who have experienced a bereavement during lockdown, said that nothing has helped them to grieve

Co-op has released a report which reveals the devastating impact lockdown has had on Edinburgh’s ability to grieve and warns the region could yet face a grief pandemic.

An online YouGov survey, commissioned by the UK’s leading funeral provider Co-op Funeralcare, shows that in the weeks following the start of the UK’s lockdown on 23rd March, 50% of bereaved adults in Edinburgh have been denied their final farewell.

Although a necessary measure to protect our nation during the coronavirus pandemic, the restrictions on the number of funeral attendees mean that many have been unable to attend their loved one’s funeral, with some councils prohibiting any attendees at crematoriums and gravesides.

When asked about the most important way to say goodbye, 42% of UK adults chose being present when their loved one passes away, whilst 33% chose attending a funeral or memorial service. Sadly, in a bid to slow the spread of Covid-19, neither of these goodbyes have been an option for an estimated 243,000 bereaved families.

Funerals play an intrinsic part in the grieving process, and by being unable to attend, many have been unable to grieve the loss of their loved one. The survey revealed that37% of mourners have been unable to pay their respects by attending a funeral service, whilst 45% of people said the funeral went ahead, or will go ahead, with restricted attendance in person only.

A harrowing estimate of more than 133,000 bereaved families who have lost a loved one during lockdown said their grief process has been negatively affected by the restrictions in place, with over three fifths (61%) saying that nothing in particular has helped them to grieve. This inability to grieve at present means the nation could experience a prolonged period of mourning for months, or even years, to come.

David Collingwood, Director of Funerals at Co-op Funeralcare said: “A funeral provides a sense of closure for bereaved families and is very often the start of the grieving process.

“Sadly, the recent restrictions mean an estimated 243,000 bereaved families across the UK and thousands across Edinburgh have been denied the right to say goodbye to loved ones in the way they would have wished.

“We completely supported the need to introduce these restrictions at the beginning of the devasting Coronavirus pandemic in the UK. We had to make some tough but responsible decisions to protect our colleagues and clients, and to fulfil our social responsibility of slowing the spread of the disease.

“Tragically, we don’t yet know what the long-term psychological effects will be for families denied the last opportunity to say goodbye, so it is vital that we do everything possible to allow families and individuals to attend funerals, whilst always prioritising the health and safety of our communities.”

Co-op Foundation has partnered with Co-op Funeralcare to deliver grants of up to £10,000 for projects that help young people to support each other through bereavement.

Organisations can express their interest in the Co-op Foundation #iwill Fund  until 31 July. The funding will help build confidence, skills and a sense of belonging among young bereaved people, while helping them to make a long-term impact on their peers who have gone through similar experiences.

In Co-op Funeralcare’s Biggest Ever Survey in 2018, 81% of respondents said they hadn’t saved anything towards their funeral, and 8% admitted to experiencing financial hardship due to paying for the funeral of a loved one.

Co-op understands the impact financial worries can have on those trying to navigate the grieving process, so has extended the financial support available through its own Funeralcare Hardship Fund.

The fund which was launched in April as part of the Co-op Members Coronavirus Fundhas allowed Co-op’s 4.6 million members to donate their unspent existing member rewards. The Hardship Fund provides a grant of £250 to anyone[6] who is in financial hardship and arranging a funeral for a loved one who died as a result of coronavirus, or a coronavirus related illness.

Andy Langford, Cruse Bereavement Care Clinical Director said: “The coronavirus pandemic has meant it is an incredibly distressing time to be grieving, whenever your bereavement occurred.

“Many people have been grieving in isolation, unable to attend funerals, say goodbye, and be close to those they love. When you feel you have no control over how you can experience those last moments with someone, this can have a profound impact on the grieving process.”

Whilst grief itself is not a mental health problem, it can cause mental health problems for some of us. Co-op is working with its partners Mind, SAMH and Inspire to encourage those affected by grief to access support from bereavement charities before their mental health deteriorates.  

Stephen Buckley, Head of Information at Mind said: “The loss of a loved one during the pandemic is leaving many people struggling with grief. In most cases, grief is not a diagnosable mental health problem. It is absolutely normal that grief places strain on our everyday lives and it can take a long time to adapt to life after a loss.

“If you feel that your mental health is suffering following a bereavement beyond the stages of grief or if you have an existing mental health problem that is being worsened following a bereavement and you’re struggling to cope, it’s important to seek help, speak to a loved one, GP or contact a bereavement charity.”

For more information, please visit: https://www.coop.co.uk/funeralcare/nationinmourning

Study invites people to share their funeral expenses

The latest phase of a thought-provoking study into the role of the funeral in the grieving process is now underway and anyone who has been involved in organising a funeral is invited to participate.

The study, known as ‘Funeral Experts by Experience’, is led by Dr Julie Rugg from the University of York and Dr Sarah Jones from Full Circle Funerals, an independent funeral director in Yorkshire.

The research is overseen by an expert panel including the National Society of Allied Independent Funeral Directors (SAIF), The Good Funeral Guide and the Institute of Cemetery and Crematorium Management (ICCM).

The research is open to people from all ethnic, cultural and religious or non-religious backgrounds who lost a loved one before the Covid-19 pandemic. This second phase of the study aims to reveal, analyse and process people’s ideas, concerns and expectations about how someone is physically cared for after they have died and the personal care given to the body.

Last year the organisations completed the first phase of the research which has since been presented at several funeral industry conferences and events. The study identified all the factors that bereaved people consistently said were important to them when arranging or attending a funeral.

Dr Julie Rugg said: “During our initial research, lots of the participants shared their opinions about how people are physically looked after once the funeral director has been called, as well as the level of contact with the body.

“This became a focal point and raised further important questions that we plan to explore further. We are now asking volunteers to share their experiences, views and possible recommendations about how funeral directors care for people who have died. In addition, we would like to invite funeral directors to contribute with their thoughts regarding care for people who have died, prior to the Covid-19 pandemic.”

Dr Sarah Jones added: “We have created an online questionnaire for funeral directors to complete and are asking anyone who has been involved in a funeral to share their experience and views with us, either during a short telephone interview or by videocall.

“We believe that understanding what bereaved people want, means the funeral industry as a whole can continue to improve the quality of funeral care services and this robust research and insight will help to set standards, training and future regulations.”

More information about the research, as well as the previous published report, is available at https://fullcirclefunerals.co.uk/learning-together/research/ and funeral directors wanting to participate will find the link to the survey there.

Full Circle Funerals, which prides itself on supporting people to create funerals that truly reflect the person who has died, operates four Yorkshire sites and has previously been named ‘Best Modern Funeral Director in the UK’ at The Good Funeral Awards.

For further information visit www.fullcirclefunerals.co.uk

Not-for-profit funeral director urges the bereaved not to delay their goodbyes

not-for-profit funeral director has experienced a surge in enquiries for direct cremations since lockdown began. Caledonia Cremation, which is owned by Community Renewal Trust, exclusively provide direct cremation to bereaved families across Scotland.

Direct cremation is a cremation with no mourners present and since social distancing began, the funeral director has reported a rise in enquiries from people exploring safe ways to say goodbye to their loved ones.

Nicola Sturgeon recently announced that rules around funerals – “remain sadly unchanged” during Phase 1 of lockdown being eased and will be reassessed as Scotland enters Phase 2. However, Caledonia Cremation’s co-founder John Halliday urges families to reconsider delaying.

“With speculation that gatherings will be banned for some time, we predict these restrictions will stay in place for some time. We have certainly had more enquiries from people who do not want to delay their goodbyes and are exploring the options that are available now. We expect those enquiries to continue for the foreseeable future.”

Linda Hillidge, who lives in South Africa, recently lost her mother, who lived in Scotland. As the airports in South Africa were closed, Linda was unable to fly to Scotland. However, after some deliberation, she decided direct cremation was the right things to do as she explains:

“When I first heard of the concept of direct cremation, I was not a believer and felt I could not go down this route. However, after much more thought on the logistics of how one can make this happen remotely, it became the only and best option for us.

“The whole experience was sad, which is to be expected, and quite surreal, and as a family we decided to have our own intimate Celebration of Life for Mom who was so loved throughout her life. When this fateful day arrives, it catches you off guard even though Mom had a long, healthy life for most of her time with us.”

As is normal with direct cremation, Linda still arranged a celebration, just not at the crematorium:

“We utilised a very simple format using Zoom to include the family members. My daughter and I had prepared some words to reflect on Mom’s life and all the wonderful memories we had and will forever cherish. We had intermittent music, some songs which Mom actually sang over the years as she loved singing, she was always nominated at the family get togethers.”

Linda says that although direct cremation seemed to be the only option, it worked for her family. She adds that the celebration of her beloved mother’s life isn’t over yet: “To have final closure we will fly to Scotland when the lockdown is over.”

John Halliday predicts that current regulations will act as a significant turning point in how funerals are delivered in Scotland going forward:

“Up until recently, direct cremations accounted for only one in twenty-five of all cremations* and only 52%* of people surveyed in the UK knew what a direct cremation was.

“I do foresee that this will rise in this year’s statistics because of lockdown but more importantly for Scotland, I fully expect that after lockdown, more families will continue to use this as part of their funeral. People are realising that a funeral isn’t all about the bit at the crematorium, but about working out for yourself what the best way to say goodbye is – whether it is part of the ashes scattering, in a chapel, in your home or on Zoom.

“Many countries and cultures separate the practical elements of funerals from the memorial, mourning and celebration: in some Mediterranean and Jewish traditions, the funeral itself can be over within 24 hours of death, so family may often not be there, but everyone in the community is then involved in the mourning, celebrating and remembrance which is arranged for a later date; separating the practical and ritual elements of the funeral are also common in Sweden and the US where direct cremations account for around one in three cremations.

“These traditions mean families actually get more time to arrange the main memorial or celebration – we sometimes say ‘you wouldn’t arrange your wedding in 10 days, why rush a funeral celebration’.

“For these reasons, it is safe to predict that we are going to see significant change in funerals, with more of these modern alternate options continuing well into 2021 and beyond in Scotland.”

One of the people Caledonia Cremation supported long before anyone had heard of coronavirus, was Joe Bendall who sadly lost his mother Betty a few years ago.

He explains why he chose a direct cremation: “My mum wasn’t interested in BIG funerals with even BIGGER costs. She always said, she never spent that kind of money on herself while she was alive, she certainly wouldn’t have it when she dies. Her only stipulation was that she didn’t want to be buried.

“After she passed, we did some research online. Caledonia Cremations was one of the first services that stood out. I had never hear about direct cremation and initially I was worried this might be seen as disrespectful as there would be no service but my Dad was pleasantly surprised at what was on offer and said this was exactly what they would both want. No fuss or major expense.

“After the direct cremation, my mother’s ashes were returned to us. We then had a small gathering of friends in the flat my parents lived in for the majority of their married lives and where we all shared fond memories, with photographs of my mum, dad and various friends/family which was beautiful and allowed people to take a trip down memory lane and sparked conversations.

“We listened to my mum’s favourite singers – Patsy Cline and Elvis Presley. It really was a perfect way to celebrate her life, spending it with those we care for and love.”

John concludes: “I’m sure that those who have lost loved one’s more recently will be looking for idea’s like Joe’s for what to do as lockdown ends”.

 

Funeral directors launch free emotional support helpline

Losing a loved one is one of the hardest experiences anyone could face, but during this period of social distancing, families are facing additional anxiety over not being able to say their goodbyes. 

Charityrun funeral directors Caledonia Cremation has responded to the crisis by launching a dedicated emotional support line for anyone anywhere in Scotland who has just lost a parent, child, sibling or partner. 

“We promise that if we can help even a little we will do everything we can,” said John Halliday, co-founder of Caledonia Cremation.  

The service launched followed their concerns for people’s wellbeing after conversations with families who lost loved ones to Covid-19. This was subsequently part-funded by a new grant from Foundation Scotland from their Response Fund meaning that the helpline can employ a reained pyschtherapist who can provide much needed support during these unprecedented times. 

Caledonia Cremation was set up in 2018 by the charity Community Renewal to fight funeral poverty in Scotland and is the only not-for-profit funeral directors in the countryThey offer not-for-profit cremations to anyone in mainland Scotland and since they began, they have saved bereaved Scottish families nearly £1million in funeral costs.

John Halliday explained why they took their decision to launch this emotional support helpline: 

We heard from one family whose grandfather died in intensive care last week. They were unable to visit him and upon his passing there was no wake and they were unable to attend his funeral. We offered all the support we could but we felt we needed to do more to help others.

“Acharityowned social enterpriseour priority is first and foremost to support people in Scotland. Up until now that has been by providing dignified, caring, notfor profit funerals which don’t push families into funeral debt.

“We have always provided a caring service, but these are unprecedented times and we felt we needed to increase our capacity to provide emotional support – even if that person hasn’t used our services.

“We are grateful for the funding from Foundation Scotland as it has allowed us to employ a highly experienced counsellor and psychotherapist. This frees up the rest of the team who are working hard online and by phone, advising clients on how they can still say their goodbyes in this period of social distancing and helping people in poverty to claim funeral benefits.

“We always said it was important that there was a not-for-profit funeral director like us, someone who genuinely does not profit a penny from a loss. This is something we can do to really give back to society with everything we have got while also bringing prices down. 

“Grieving people need support right now, and they can trust us to put their care first.”

The service is now up and running so anyone who needs help, please do get in touch by calling 03000 11 33 01.

More funding for local government in war on Coronavirus

Communities Secretary Robert Jenrick on the government’s response to COVID-19, additional funding for local government … and Captain Tom:

Good afternoon,

Welcome to the coronavirus press conference from Downing Street.

I’m joined by Steve Powis, national medical director of NHS England.

Steve will provide an update on the latest data on coronavirus shortly.

But, first, let me update you on the steps we are taking to defeat it, and the decisions we have taken today.

Our fight against this virus is happening all across the country, in every home, in every community.

Today’s data shows that:

460,437 tests for coronavirus have now been carried out across Great Britain, including 21,389 tests carried out yesterday

114,217 people have tested positive, that’s an increase of 5,526 cases since yesterday

17,759 people are currently in hospital with coronavirus in Great Britain, down from 18,711 yesterday

And sadly, of those hospitalised with the virus, 15,464 have now died. That’s an increase of 888 fatalities since yesterday.

These are heart-breaking losses for every family affected.

Every part of our government, from Whitehall to your local town hall is working together in this national effort.

And nowhere is that clearer than on the front lines in our communities.

And today as Community Secretary I want to provide an update.

Councils are delivering essential supplies to clinically vulnerable people – those we have asked to shield themselves, paying out financial relief to businesses to enable their local economies to weather the storm as much as is possible, ensuring our bins continue to be collected, ensuring that schools remain open for the children of key workers and vulnerable families are kept in regular contact, and they are helping rough sleepers off the streets to protect them from the virus.

This effort, alongside the endeavours of all our public servants, is making a difference in this fight.

But I know it is our responsibility in government to make sure that those front-line workers have the resources they need to keep up this essential work.

At the beginning of this emergency I told local councils that we would give them the resources they need to do the job. And I meant it.

And that is why today I am providing an additional £1.6 billion of new funding to support councils with the pressures they face as they respond to COVID-19. This funding takes the total amount given to councils to help them through the pandemic to over £3.2 billion.

We are backing councils to ensure vital services such as adult social care, children’s services, support for vulnerable people and waste collection continue despite the increased pressures.

We are also helping councils with inevitable cashflow challenges by deferring £2.6 billion in business rates payments to central government and paying them £850 million in social care grants up front this month.

Working with councils and charities, we’ve made huge progress in protecting the vulnerable during this national emergency.

Our plans to shield the most clinically vulnerable people have progressed well.

Three weeks ago I reported at this press conference that the first government organised boxes of supplies had been delivered by wholesalers to those at highest risk across the country. Today 250,000 have been delivered. The packages include cereal, fruit, tinned goods, teabags, biscuits, toiletries and other essentials.

And this coming week we expect to be delivering 300,000 boxes – all from a standing start just a few weeks ago.

And our call centre is making up to 130,000 calls a day to those who are shielded, to see if they need this service, to see if they still need it or want to move to a priority delivery slot at their local supermarket.

In addition to this, councils are organising their own calls, often led by volunteers, including our 750,000 NHS volunteers, to check in and chat with the shielded.

And they have organised their own efforts to support those who may not have one of the clinical conditions to be shielded but are nonetheless vulnerable or isolated. And there are truly extraordinary efforts underway in this regard, in every village, parish, town, ward, estate and city, the length and breadth of the country.

We have all been humbled by the gestures, large and small, by people across the country to show support for those working so hard to protect the NHS and to save lives. None more so than Captain Tom Moore, who has raised an astonishing £23 million this week for NHS charities.

I can’t think of a more worthy person to be the guest of honour at the opening of the new Nightingale hospital in Harrogate next week – also, fittingly, the county of his birth, Yorkshire. I am sure everyone will join me in thanking Captain Tom for his truly heroic effort.

I have also been proud of the effort of councils to help vulnerable people in their areas, including securing safe accommodation for rough sleepers.

And our plan to protect rough sleepers has resulted in over 90% being offered safe accommodation.

I want to thank all those who have made this possible, including local councils, charities and other organisations and those continuing to help the small number of people still regrettably on our streets today.

Of course, this is not the end of rough sleeping. And there is a great deal of work to be done and my departments and I will be at the heart of that.

I want to also say something about support for our high streets and local businesses by local councils.

I’m delighted that so many cafes, restaurants and other businesses have taken up the opportunity to switch to offering delivery, takeaway and click and collect services. This expands the supply of food available to people alongside the supermarkets, as well as allowing businesses that would otherwise have closed to remain open and keep paying staff.

This simple freedom has been taken up by enterprising people the length across the UK. The same enterprising people whose enguinity, sometimes assisted by government in modest ways like this, will help us to rebuild our economy.

Councils have worked hard to pay out over £1 billion worth of business grants from government.

But it’s vital that we all ensure that all eligible businesses get the support that it needs, and I urge councils who have been slower in making progress to their accelerate efforts in the days to come.

Let me address two other topics that I know are of concern to people.

Firstly, there have been examples of some parks around the country closing.

This cannot be right.

While the virus does not discriminate, we know that the lockdown is much harder for people who don’t have a lot of living space, who don’t have a garden, and who don’t have anywhere for their children to run around.

People need parks.

That’s why I have made it clear to councils that all parks must remain open.

For the health of the nation, people should be able to safely enjoy fresh air and green space.

And, for the health of the nation, people must abide by social distancing rules and not congregate in groups in parks.

Secondly, there have been some reports of mourners being turned away at funerals.

The tragedy of the death of Ismail Mohamed Abdulwahab, a 13 year old boy from Brixton, was compounded by the fact that his family were unable to attend his funeral.

That is not right and it shouldn’t have happened.

For clarity – funerals can go ahead with close family present.

Social distancing measures must be respected, but families must have the opportunity to say a respectful goodbye to those that they love.

We will be publishing more guidance on this shortly. And I’m also asking councils to keep open or indeed reopen cemeteries and graveyards. Not for people to congregate in. That must not happen. But for people to make that private visit. To seek solace in a word at the grave of someone you have loved. Or to privately lay flowers. There have been times in my life when I have needed to do that. I’m certain there are people who need to do it today.

These are small steps. But small mercies can make a big difference.

And local councils, at their best, can help to make life, even in times like this, more liveable and more humane.

They represent and can harness the networks of familiarity and loyalty upon which a society is based.

The sense that we belong together. And that we will stand by each other in a real emergency.

Those relationships can only be built from below, by people, to people, in communities.

To all the unsung heroes of local councils. For all you are doing for us all.

Thank you.

More transparency on funeral charges

A consultation on guidance that seeks to make funeral costs easier to understand has been published by the Scottish Government. The consultation sets out measures that burial authorities, crematoriums and funeral directors can take to make funeral costs transparent and more understandable. Continue reading More transparency on funeral charges

Bereaved participants wanted for world’s first study into how funerals aid the grieving process

A national study, which is a world first, is aiming to find out whether it’s possible to measure the importance of a funeral in the grieving process – and anyone who has organised or attended a funeral at any time is being urged to participate. Continue reading Bereaved participants wanted for world’s first study into how funerals aid the grieving process