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Vine cleans up again with top Fringe joke

A vacuum cleaner joke by Fringe favourite Tim Vine has been voted the funniest at this year’s Edinburgh Fringe Festival.

For the first time in Dave’s Funniest Joke of the Fringe’s seven-year history, the award has been presented to a previous winner. King of the one-liners Tim Vine has this year come top with nearly a fifth (19%) of respondents voting “I decided to sell my hoover… well it was just collecting dust” their funniest joke of the Edinburgh Fringe.

Tim also triumphed in 2010 with: “I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again.”

Three female comedians also feature in this year’s Top 10 as jokes from Bec Hill, Ria Lina and Felicity Ward proved to tickle the nation’s funnybone, reflecting the overall reported 62% rise of women performing at this year’s Fringe.

In its mission to find the most hilarious one-liners, Dave enlisted the help of an expert panel of ten judges, consisting of the UK’s foremost comedy critics. They scoured venues at the world-famous Edinburgh Festival Fringe over a week to nominate their three favourite jokes. The shortlisted gags were then put anonymously to the public vote, with 2,000 Brits selecting those that they found the funniest.

Dave’s Top 10 Funniest Jokes from the Fringe Festival 2014

1. “I’ve decided to sell my hoover… well, it was just collecting dust.” – Tim Vine

2. “I’ve written a joke about a fat badger, but I couldn’t fit it into my set.” – Masai Graham

3. “Always leave them wanting more, my uncle used to say to me. Which is why he lost his job in disaster relief.” – Mark Watson

4. “I was given some Sudoku toilet paper. It didn’t work. You could only fill it in with number 1s and number 2s.” – Bec Hill

5. “I wanted to do a show about feminism. But my husband wouldn’t let me.” – Ria Lina

6. “Money can’t buy you happiness? Well, check this out, I bought myself a Happy Meal.” – Paul F Taylor

7. “Scotland had oil, but it’s running out thanks to all that deep frying.” – Scott Capurro

8=. “I forgot my inflatable Michael Gove, which is a shame ’cause halfway through he disappears up his own arsehole.” – Kevin Day

8=. “I’ve been married for 10 years, I haven’t made a decision for seven.” – Jason Cook

10. “This show is about perception and perspective. But it depends how you look at it.” – Felicity Ward

Dave’s first two-time winner and regular fixture on the Top 10 list, Tim Vine is a firmly established comedian whose rapid one-liners have helped him achieve great success in the world of comedy.

As well as sold out tours and best-selling DVDs, he has appeared on various TV shows including Not Going Out and Blandings. He first performed at the Fringe in 1993 and was awarded Best Newcomer in 1995. His current Edinburgh Fringe show, “Tim Timinee Tim Timinee Tim Tim To You,” is a sell-out success at the Pleasance Courtyard, and his first stand up tour in four years is also planned for next Spring.

On being awarded the top spot, Tim Vine said: “I’m a little bit surprised but very delighted. This is the second time I’ve won this award but I guess nobody loves a repeat more than Dave!”

Honourable mentions – These one-liners that just missed out on the top spots:

“I go to the kebab shop so much that when they call me boss in there it’s less a term of affection, more an economic reality.” – Ed Gamble

“Leadership looks fun, but it’s stressful. Just look at someone leading a conga.” – James Acaster

“I bought myself some glasses. My observational comedy improved.” – Sara Pascoe

Top of the Flops – And some of the jokes voted the least laughable included:

“My mate sat on my pumpkin. He butternut squashed it.” – Leo Kearse

“I had a friend call Iain. Two ‘i’s… to go with the face.” – John Kearns

“I’m lazy – my childhood ambition was to be an injured footballer.” – Mike Shephard

“This vodka is drunk by the rapper Sean Combs. P Diddy? Only when he drank a whole bottle.” – Ben McFarland and Tom Sandham

“I tried to Google endangered species. They were hard to find.” – Suns of Fred

“I’d like to start with the chimney jokes – I’ve got a stack of them. The first one is on the house.” – Tim Vine

HOOVER: but nothing to do with Tim Vine's joke — A HOOVER: but nothing to do with Tim Vine’s winning joke

Sowing the seeds: Edinburgh research to aid Africa

A University of Edinburgh research group will receive £10.8 million from the UK’s Department for International Development (DFID) to help make the latest agricultural technology available across ten African countries, Scottish Secretary Alistair Carmichael announced yesterday.

Research Into Results (RIR), a wholly-owned subsidiary of the University of Edinburgh, will make the latest agricultural research and innovation available to budding small businesses in ten countries in East and Southern African. RIR will then mentor these businesses to help them grow and find private investment.

RIR has already worked on research that has delivered pest-free crops, improved crop storage systems and a mobile phone app which tells farmers the best time to plant their crops.

The Social Enterprises for Economic Development (SEED) programme is designed to turn this kind of promising research into commercially-viable technology. It has the potential to make over half a million farmers become more efficient, helping them feed their families and work their way out of poverty.

During a visit to the University of Edinburgh, Mr Carmichael said: “Everyone associated with the Research Into Results initiative should be very proud of the excellent work this project builds on.

“This substantial support from DFID together with the skills and networks of the University of Edinburgh and H20 venture partners will go a long way to improve the efficiency of small-holder farmers in Africa, provide them with technology and most importantly transform the lives of many people living in some of the poorest countries in the world.”

Dr Andy Frost, Director of Research Into Results, said: “The SEED Programme will develop technology-driven social enterprises whose products and services increase the profitability of smallholder farmers.

There is a substantial unmet need for the ambitious social enterprises in the Africa. Institutions, NGOs and local entrepreneurs lack the skills and experience to build large-scale investible businesses; on the other side, venture capital in the region lacks quality investment deal flow.

SEED is an ambitious programme, it aims to be a game-changer, to create viable social enterprises for the benefit of smallholder farmers and by so doing provide robust evidence on the effectiveness of social enterprises as a vehicle to get past research investment into use, at scale.”

DFID will provide RIR’s Social Enterprises for Economic Development (SEED) programme with £10.8 million over 6 years.

Community Renewal at Millennium Centre

New Job Club at Muirhouse Millennium starts 27 August

Community Renewal will be present at this centre to assist anyone job seeking on Wednesday afternoons from midday to 2pm. The team will have an up to date list of job vacancies, and assist with CVs, covering letters ad offer general advice on job seeking. This will be a drop in activity with no appointments required.

We hope that our community will take advantage of this free service on their doorsteps, with the centre’s facilities -including our café – at their disposal.

Job Club at Muirhouse Millennium Community Centre starts on Wednesday 27 August.

James McGinty, Muirhouse Millennium Community Centre

Forget the internet – you need friends

A leading support charity is calling on couples in Edinburgh to get in touch with their local service if they need help, after a new study found that the internet is one of the biggest causes of relationship problems.

Published by Relationships Scotland, The Way We Are Now 2014 lifts the lid on our relationships and sex lives. The study is one of the largest of its kind.

The report asked more than 5000 people across the UK how they feel about their sex life and relationships.

It reveals some concerning statistics around how close we feel to others, with one in five or 18% rarely or never feeling loved in their relationship and one in ten saying they didn’t have a close friend.

The charity said that in as many as 50 to 70% of cases in couple counselling in Scotland the internet had an impact on the relationship yet in the study very few people reported the internet as causing a problem in their relationship

Only 1% of respondents said they’d cheated with someone online but not in person.

This clashes with the findings from the survey of counsellors, with many of them reporting the use of social media and online pornography as an issue that comes up in the counselling room in over half of cases.

Anne Chilton, Head of Counselling said, “There is a disconnect here between what people see and assume their partner is doing and what they are actually doing. Seeing your partner on line night after night you maybe assume they are just browsing. Its only when you look at what they are actually looking at do you find that there is problem. Maybe they are chatting to someone else, or looking at porn. Either way, this is the point couples come to us for help. What maybe started as a solution to loneliness in a relationship now becomes the problem.”

“What often happens now is that instead of talking to their partner when they are unhappy in the relationship or dissatisfied with their sex life, people get drawn into looking for a solution online.”

One in four people are dissatisfied with their sex life (24%) and a quarter also reported having an affair (25%).

The Way We Are Now 2014 included an additional survey carried out by Relate of 250 Relate and Relationships Scotland counsellors, who listed three factors for a happy sex life: improving communication, making time to be together and learning how to talk about sex with your partner.

The study finds a clear link between relationships and high levels of wellbeing but simply being in a relationship doesn’t guarantee that people will feel good about themselves: it’s the quality of the relationship that has an impact on wellbeing and happiness.

Relationships Scotland said it is worrying that one in ten people don’t have a single close friend and one in five rarely or never felt loved in the two weeks before the survey.

Anne said, “It’s very sad the number of people who don’t have a close friend. Research suggests it is linked to the rise of the internet. While someone could have hundreds of friends on Facebook they might feel these are superficial rather than friendships of real substance. Online you only use one channel of communication and it’s hard to connect with people. When you are face to face you can feel, hear, see and really interact so it’s much better for building friendships and deeper levels of intimacy.”

The report finds a strong connection between our relationships and our personal wellbeing. In today’s fast-paced and ever-changing world, relationships still act as ‘shock absorbers’ when times are hard.

Relationships Scotland says the research shows that couples and families can get the help they need to invest time and effort into building stronger relationships.

Stuart Valentine, Chief Executive of Relationships Scotland, said: “This new study examines the quality of our relationships, showing a clear link between our personal relationships and our wellbeing. Whilst there is much to celebrate, the results around how close we feel to others are very concerning. There is a significant minority of people who never or rarely feel loved or who have no close friends.”

“We know that strong relationships are vital for both individuals and society as a whole, so investing in them is crucial. Through our network of services around Scotland we provide support, advice and counselling to couples, families and individuals as well as mediation. The help is there and we hope that anyone who feels they need a helping hand will get in touch with us.”

For advice or further information go to

www.relationships-scotland.org.uk

or telephone 0845 119 2020

£6m grants to ‘vital’ Third Sector

More than 115 organisations to benefit from Enterprise Ready Fund

Grants totalling £6 million have been awarded to over 115 enterprising third sector organisations, Finance Secretary John Swinney confirmed yesterday. Mr Swinney said that an enterprising third sector is ‘vital’ to Scotland’s future.

Fresh Start, Edinburgh Cyrenians Trust, MY Adventure and The Spartans Community Football Academy (pictured above) are among the Edinburgh organisations to benefit from Enterprise Ready funding (see below for full list of awardees).

ERF_awardees-aug2014

The Enterprise Ready Fund fund provides continued support to enterprising third sector organisations across Scotland, building on the Scottish Government’s commitment to promote a sustainable, capable and enterprising third sector.

Mr Swinney said: “We had a great response to the Enterprise Ready Fund and I would like to congratulate all organisations that have been successful in securing grants.

“Each and every one of the recipients are working in their own unique way to become more self-sufficient but more importantly for me, they are creating change at a local level. We can look forward to a future where these organisations play a full role in public service reform.

“We strongly believe that an enterprising third sector is vital to our economy, to civic society and in the creation of a fairer and more inclusive Scotland. That is why we have invested heavily to help the sector develop further.

“Organisations like Move On which operates across Scotland to deliver a range of support and advice services to those affected by or at risk of homelessness are excellent examples of how the sector is helping to create a fairer and more inclusive Scotland. This investment will help them deliver important services and opportunities to people across the country.”

Foundation Scotland’s Chief Executive Giles Ruck said: “We were encouraged by the high volume of applications received and are delighted that the fund is supporting such a variety of enterprising third sector organisations. We look forward with great anticipation to seeing the difference these awards will make in communities throughout Scotland.”

Foundation Scotland (FS) is Scotland’s busiest grant maker, making more awards to charity than any other independent funder. Each year FS clients make over 2,000 payments to charities and community organisations, about a third of which are to organisations recommended by FS.

FS supports a wide range of charities, voluntary community groups and sports clubs, giving clients a great range of causes to donate to and enabling FS to reach a wide range of community activity across Scotland.

A broad spectrum of local projects have received support through Foundation Scotland – from small grants to Pilton Community Gardeners, North West Carers Centre and Davidsons Mains & District Children’s Pipe Band through t0 a £30,000 grant to Pilton Community Health Project to contribute to the cost of a Women Supporting Women development worker. In all, 34 Edinburgh-based charities, community organisations and sports clubs received funding through Foundation Scotland.

For full details of grants awarded (1 July 2013 – 30 June 2014) see below

July 2014 awards

Millennium Community Centre lowe-down: happy and fit

David Lowe’s Zumba & Fitsteps: “Together or Not” on Tuesday nights

David has introduced a new format of his popular forms of exercise by starting on Tuesdays with Zumba Class for 1 hour. Participants can, if they want to (after a short break) participate in the Fitsteps activity for a further hour.

Costs are as follows: 1 hour of Zumba (on its own) 6.30 – 7.30pm £ 4.50 1 Hour of Fitsteps (on its own) 7.30 – 8.30pm £ 4.00 Zumba & Fitsteps (the full programme (6.30 – 8.30pm.) £7.00

This is proving to be successful in its first weeks with all of the participants taking part in both activities. We will soon be able to claim our area as having the fittest and happiest people in Edinburgh !!

So come along to the biggest fitness party in North Edinburgh and join in the fun for whatever, and whenever, you want !!

See more at:

http://muirhousecommunitycentre.co.uk/new-concept-from-david-lowe/#sthash.MEksE07z.dpuf

James McGinty, Muirhouse Millennium Community Centre

Alexander: ‘best of both worlds’

Chief Secretary to the Treasury Danny Alexander sets out why he believes being part of the UK is helping Scotland’s economy grow and create jobs …

This week I will be travelling across the breadth and width of Scotland, from east to west and from north to south, talking to businesses and families about the issues that matter to them.

I will visit a range of companies, representing many of Scotland’s key sectors like life sciences, financial services, tourism, manufacturing and the creative industries.

I am certain that the one common thread which will emerge during my travels is this: the economy of Scotland is rich, diverse and prosperous, with huge and exciting opportunities ahead of us. But our present strength and our future potential come from the fact that we are – and I believe we should remain – part of the United Kingdom.

There’s little doubt that the UK and Scottish economies are recovering strongly. Scotland has now seen seven quarters of continuous growth. And that impressive performance is contributing to the strength of the UK economy: data released on Friday showed that the UK has grown by 3.2% in the past year.

This means that our economy is now recovering faster than all our major international competitors like the US, Germany, Japan or France.

What’s more, independent experts predict that the UK will continue to lead the pack over the rest of this year and grow faster than any other G7 nation.

With more economic growth we’re also seeing more jobs. Since 2010 some 1.8 million additional jobs have been created across the UK, as part of that there are almost 160,000 new jobs in Scotland.

There are now more Scots in work – some 2.6 million – than ever before.

The strength of our labour market means we can continue to reduce unemployment in Scotland, including among our young people: new data released last week showed the biggest fall in UK-wide youth unemployment since records began.

All the evidence shows that being part of the UK is helping Scotland’s economy grow and create jobs.

One reason for this is that Scottish companies do most of their trade with the rest of the UK.

Almost 70% of Scotland’s exports go to England, Wales and Northern Ireland – more than to the every other country in the world combined. As a single state, the UK shares common regulations and a bigger marketplace where people can move freely, all of this makes it far easier to do business.

Being part of the UK is also good for jobs. New analysis published last week showed that almost 270,000 jobs in Scotland – more than one in every ten jobs – is dependent on trade with the rest of the UK.

This includes 45,000 manufacturing jobs and 180,000 jobs in the services industries, all of which benefit from the larger single integrated market available as part of the UK.

Many of these jobs are in the key industrial sectors which I will be visiting over the coming week.

We have a top financial and professional services sector. We are world-leaders in renewable energy. Aberdeen is a global hub for oil and gas expertise. We have a state-of-the-art life sciences sector. We have a vibrant creative industries scene, concentrated around Dundee and Glasgow.

All these sectors are thriving precisely because Scotland benefits from the broad shoulders and economic stability that come from being part of the UK.

I am in no doubt that the ingenuity and hard-work of the Scottish people is one of our greatest assets – an asset that will yield even more success as part of the UK.

And that’s because the UK offers stability and strength, with certainty about our currency, better funded public services and safer savings and pensions.

And with a more powerful Scottish Parliament we can have the best of both worlds, so that we can find Scottish solutions to Scottish issues while remaining part of a stronger United Kingdom.

We should all be incredibly proud of everything Scotland has achieved. Let’s make sure that our children and grandchildren can be even more successful as part of the United Kingdom.

NHS Lothian to consult on Victoria Hospital plans

NHS Lothian’s plans to develop the Royal Victoria Hospital site off Craigleith Road have been submitted, and members of the public can see what is being proposed at a session in Comely Bank early next month.

NHS Lothian plans to develop the site to provide a range of accommodation – both residential and non-residential – to meet the health and social care needs of older people, but also to market the remainder of the site as a ‘residential development opportunity’.

The public consultation session will be held at St Ninian’s Church, Comely Bank from midday – 8pm on Thursday 4 September.

PAN_Royal_Victoria_Hospital_Site

Fair’s fair – and Fun Days too

West Pilton & Muirhouse Gala is NEXT Sunday – not today!

The school holidays are a distant memory, the nights are already ‘fair drawin’ in’ but it seems the summer fun days go on forever! Yesterday was packed with community events but there’s plenty more on offer in North Edinburgh this coming weekend too:

Drylaw Neighbourhood Centre’s popular annual Fun Day takes place next Saturday from 11 – 2pm and is packed with activities

Along Ferry Road, North Edinburgh Community Art Group is holding an Art and Craft Fair in the Craighall Centre (below) from 11 – 3pm.

Silverlea Care Home on Muirhouse Parkway (below) are also holding a Summer Fun Day on Saturday from 2 – 4pm with lots of fun for everyone – all welcome.

And last – but certainly not least – West Pilton and Muirhouse Community Gala does go ahead – but it’s NEXT SUNDAY (not today!)

Organisers have confirmed: “This year’s gala is at full steam ahead .. It’s been a bit quiet from us as the committee have other commitments too. But your gala on Sunday 24 August at West Pilton Park will be a blast , we have a little something for everyone and hope to see as many people turn out as the last one ..”

Fun kicks off at midday until 4pm.

So much fun, so little time …!

Defibrillators: dental practices to receive life-saving machines

‘I firmly believe this scheme will save many more lives’ – Matheson

Communities across Scotland will have access to potentially life-saving defibrillators as the machines are installed in independent NHS dental practices across the country.

The £600,000 programme will see defibrillators delivered by the end of the month. The locations of the defibrillators will be logged with the Scottish Ambulance Service control system, which will increase community access to defibrillators, reduce delays in treatment and increase the chances of survival for cardiac arrest victims.

More than 1500 Scots died after suffering a cardiac arrest outwith hospital last year.

To mark yesterday’s roll-out launch, Minister for Public Health Michael Matheson visited the Montgomery Street Dental Practice in Edinburgh, one of the first to receive a defibrillator.

Mr Matheson, who is himself trained in the use of defibrillators, said: “Every second counts when someone suffers a cardiac arrest and having access to a defibrillator can mean the difference between life and death.

“By the end of this roll-out, there will be more defibrillators in public spaces. With these machines mapped to the Scottish Ambulance Service control system, people can be directed to them more quickly if there is an incident, cutting the delay in treatment and increasing the victim’s chance of survival.

“As these machines are becoming easier to use it is only right that the public have more access to its life-saving potential and I firmly believe that this scheme will save many more lives.”

Alex Coakley, Principal Dentist at the Montgomery Street Practice, added: “This is a fantastic initiative by the Scottish Government. Having defibrillators available in convenient locations such as dental practices will mean that they can be taken to the scene of any incident as quickly as possible, and hopefully save lives.”

Pat Kilpatrick, director of the British Dental Association Scotland, said: “BDA Scotland is delighted that the Scottish Government has recognised the important contribution that the dental team can make in saving lives, and for making this possible by providing defibrillators for every dental practice in Scotland.”