Mum shares her struggle with grief and suicidal thoughts in a bid to help others unable to cope with loss this Christmas

Wendy Chambers, a mum from Glasgow, has opened up about her struggles with grief that led to suicidal thoughts before receiving free bereavement support she says saved her life.

Wendy has bravely shared a video detailing her experience in the hope it will help others struggling to cope with the death of a loved one by reaching out to Cruse Scotland, the bereavement support charity she turned to for help that “pulled her from a very, very dark place.”

In the video, shared across the charity’s social media accounts, Wendy opens up about how she suffered the loss of both parents just 10 weeks apart during the COVID-19 pandemic in 2020.

Her way of coping was to make herself so incredibly busy; helping others, working extra hours, and studying for a Master’s degree – to ultimately avoid her grief. After two years, however, the pain and unresolved grief had built up so much, it almost cost the mum her own life.

Wendy said: “My days were literally full from morning ‘til night and I didn’t have any time to think. That coping mechanism lasted until August 2022, when my life and my head were so busy that I planned to take my own life.

“That’s when I contacted Cruse Scotland, and they provided me with face-to-face counselling support.”

Wendy has chosen to share her story now as she knows Christmas is a time when loss is felt particularly acutely and wants to raise awareness of the bereavement support available to others who may be going through a similar, painful experience. Wendy also hopes to inspire others to donate to the charity to keep the vital services free and accessible for all who may need them.

In a written blog she also has published on the charity’s website, Wendy recalled how tough that first Christmas without her parents was:

“I remember standing in a queue with a basket full of gifts for my daughter, Mia, when I noticed a box of my Mum’s favourite chocolates – Walnut Whips.

My first instinct was to grab a box as a stocking filler, and as I reached out my hand, that pain of loss swept over me once again and I just crumbled right there in the queue, sobbing loudly, tears streaming down my face, the folk around me just staring not sure what to say or do.”

Fiona Arnott-Barron, CEO of Cruse Scotland, said: “Wendy’s story is really alarming – a vibrant woman who was so overwhelmed by her grief that she considered suicide.”

“More alarming however, is that Wendy’s story is not unique. Sadly in Cruse Scotland, we hear stories like hers every single day. Our Helpline is there to listen and support people who are so devastated by the death of someone close that they cannot imagine continuing without them.

“This vital support can only be given to children, young people and adults in Scotland if we have the funds to provide this service for everyone who needs us. If we cannot raise enough funds, then the harsh reality is people like Wendy may not be able to get the support they need. And so, this Christmas we are asking; Will you be a life saver?”

The charity say that even a donation of £10 can save a life – as that covers the cost of a one-hour call to their bereavement Helpline from someone who is in desperate need of support, just like Wendy was.

Wendy added; “Cruse Scotland pulled me from a very, very dark place and saved me from myself, and for that I will always be grateful.”

If you need support with your grief, to hear Wendy’s story, or if you are in a position to donate to Cruse Scotland this Christmas, visit www.crusescotland.org.uk/christmas

SING WHEN YOU’RE LOSING!

Expert on how to cope with the disappointment of England’s defeat – and why singing is the perfect way to banish the disappointment of England’s loss to Spain:

AFTER days of expectation we now know … it’s NOT coming home.

And the washout summer is unlikely to lift the mood in the wake of England’s defeat against Spain. 

But according to a leading mental health expert the disappointment millions are now feeling isn’t necessarily a bad thing. 

And, channelled in the right way, Nathan Sherman, the director of therapy and training at Red Umbrella says, it can be turned into a positive. 

Here, Nathan, a qualified psychotherapist and counsellor with a background in private practice and 10+ years of experience in the field, offers his advice on how fans can cope with the aftermath of Sunday night’s defeat.

And one of his tips for coping is singing. 

“A surprisingly good way of releasing disappointment and frustration is actually singing,” he says. “Singing releases emotion, including anger, so put that favourite song on in the car, turn the volume up, and sing like no one is listening.”

Why do people get so disappointed in the aftermath of a sporting defeat?

Nathan says: “Disappointment is a normal human emotion to feel, but in many ways it can be healthy and helpful – disappointment might drive us to try harder, practice more and grow as a person.

It also helps us appreciate the wins more; if we always won at everything it would probably feel quite shallow and unsatisfying.

We experience a more emotional response when we attach more meaning to something. If it matters to me, I’m going to feel more disappointment if it goes wrong than if I don’t think something is that important. Sport is emotive to us because we value it – the camaraderie, the value we place on success, and how we view our national identity.

The England team represent us, we vicariously live their glories. Very few of us get to compete on a global stage, so we attach meaning to the actions of those who we feel represent us, as a way to experience some of that glory. Of course, when they lose, we feel the disappointment and loss just as keenly.”

How can we channel disappointment in a more positive way?

“Start by remembering, firstly, disappointment isn’t a bad thing. We like to attach meaning to emotions – this one is good, this one is bad, but all feelings are valid. The first thing we can do to help is talk through what we’re feeling.

“Bottling up disappointment not only helps it to build, but can easily turn that disappointment into anger and resentment.

“Firstly, we should talk it through with someone we trust, who is going to allow space for us to feel disappointed. Secondly, we should allow ourselves the space to feel this. It’s okay to feel this way in the day or two after the final.

“We don’t want it to last forever, and the feelings will subside, but for now, giving ourselves permission to feel what we feel is important. Thirdly, don’t fixate on the negatives. The team might have lost, but they also reached a second consecutive final. They are competing at the highest level and that’s a positive thing.

“We felt the disappointment of losing, but also the joys of winning along the way, of scoring goals and celebrating success.”

How can you avoid disappointment leading to anger? 

“It’s easy to get angry when we feel powerless, as none of us could control the result. Many people may feel upset at the result, and for men in particular, upset is not an emotion we’ve been allowed to express. So that upset turns to anger instead, because that’s been seen as a more acceptable emotion.

“Start by asking yourself if you really feel angry, or if you actually just feel sad. Recognising and expressing the right emotion is important. If you do feel angry, safe physical expression can help. Going for a walk, kicking a ball in a park, clenching and unclenching your fists or punching a pillow can all help express the physical energy of anger safely.”

What strategies can people have in place to avoid disappointment and overcome it?

“How we perceive disappointment can help with how we feel about it. If I told you that I could see the future and that England would lose in the next two major tournaments, but win the third, how would you feel about the next two tournaments? Probably some disappointment, but maybe not so much because you’d see it as one step closer to the one they would win.

“Seeing progress as a journey, not an end point, and knowing that losing helps us to grow and develop and often then leads to success, can change how we feel in the moment. Focusing on the good that we have experienced rather than the end point can shift how we feel, too.

How exciting was it to see young players performing well? How did we feel when England scored? What we choose to remember and focus on matters.”

When should you start to worry about the way you are feeling?

“Disappointment is normal to feel – but if that feeling persists longer than a few days, it’s best to reach out for help and support. Sometimes we might just need to have an outlet for our feelings, but if we weren’t feeling great to begin with, a disappointment like this can be the trigger for something more serious.

“Don’t be embarrassed or afraid to reach out for help. It might feel like something we ‘should’ cope with, but everyone is unique and we all respond differently. It’s okay to not be okay.

“Disappointment can feel worse if we’ve experienced other disappointments recently too. So, while we might think we don’t care that much about the football result, maybe that’s coming on top of a missed promotion at work, a relationship breakup, or any other kind of loss or disappointment.

“If you start to feel like you’re not quite yourself and you can’t work out why, because the football wasn’t that big of a deal to you, be aware that it could just be the straw that broke the camel’s back.”

About Nathan Shearman

Nathan Shearman is the director of therapy and training at Red Umbrella, an organisation that’s improving the mental wellbeing of the UK workforce by working in partnership with large employers to deliver bespoke mental health training and support solutions.

Nathan is a qualified psychotherapist and counsellor with a background in private practice and 10+ years of experience in the field.

Experts in Grief: Edinburgh funeral directors first to undertake inaugural grief training

It goes without saying that the job of a funeral director can be mentally taxing and stressful and while some may say it is part of the job, over time it can take its toll.

That’s why the independent Edinburgh funeral directors, William Purves, is acknowledging that their profession poses risks to colleagues’ mental health and has therefore working with leading bereavement charity, Cruse’s inaugural Grief First Aid training.

With over 125 years of experience in the business, the family-owned funeral firm is no stranger to carefully navigating the complexities of grief.

Nonetheless, in the aftermath of the pandemic, which saw countless lives affected by grief – including members of the funeral team – William Purves stepped up to become one of the first businesses to trial this new initiative to better support anyone who may be suffering as a result of loss, grief or bereavement. 

Hazel Strachan, a William Purves Administrator and one of the course attendees said: “Our job takes us to the heart of families who are coping with one of life’s most challenging experiences – never more so than during the pandemic. During this time, we prioritised the care of others over processing the impact on our own lives – which has led to a storing up of emotions.

“Funeral Directors are also not immune to bereavement in our own lives – events from many years ago can be triggered by aspects of the job, which creates an unexpected emotional response.”

Cruse’s Grief First Aid course comprises three online modules, each four hours in length. 20 representatives from William Purves undertook the course, covering topics including ‘understanding grief’ and ‘the importance of bereavement policy’.

The participants also developed practical skills focused on facilitating conversations around grief and how best to support a colleague returning to work following a bereavement. Upon finishing the training, each representative received a certification of completion.

Gemma Halley, HR Manager who enlisted William Purves’ onto the course, said: “As a team we are now equipped with a much deeper understanding of how grief impacts everyday life. Crucially, we now have the knowledge to recognise signs of need within the workplace which we may have otherwise overlooked and the skills to respond to that need.

“While hard to select one key takeaway from the training, the importance of recognising that everyone’s experience of grief is individual to them and that the power of listening cannot be underestimated will be invaluable.

“Treating our colleagues with compassion throughout their grief journey and ensuring they feel heard, respected and supported early on can potentially stave off far more serious consequences as well as strengthen and build internal bonds of support.”  

Rachel Argyle, a representative of Cruse said: “We were very excited that William Purves agreed to undertake our inaugural Grief First Aid Training.

“Given that they care for grieving families every day, their understanding of bereavement was already very high, and they were well equipped with key skills to support those suffering.

“Where the training resonated most was in giving staff the tools to recognise when fellow colleagues might be triggered by a funeral or life event, and to be more confident in initiating conversations around grief in the workplace.”

Bereavement charity provides “warmth and good humour” for bereaved people across Edinburgh

Cruse Scotland, a Scottish charity that provides essential support to people struggling with bereavement following the loss of a loved one, has been able to extend its vital Early Support Programme following a fourth significant financial boost from Scotmid Funerals.

The funding has supported people across Edinburgh to better cope with each stage of grief, through one-to-one and group support sessions with trained volunteers.

Edinburgh-based Brian, who sadly lost his brother suddenly in 2021 and his mother the following year, shares how he benefited from speaking to Cruse Scotland:

“I can’t talk highly enough of my experience with Cruse Scotland. My counsellor was amazing – extremely professional, highly perceptive, and responsive to the finer nuances of the conversations we had.

“Each session I found hit the right balance of challenging yet supportive, and it was all done with warmth and good humour. It was exactly what I needed at exactly the right time, and I feel the benefit of it every day.”

Last year, Scotmid Funerals donated £8,000 to extend Cruse Scotland’s Early Support services and this year, the funeral provider has made a further £10,000 award.

This latest funding will allow Cruse Scotland to develop its volunteer recruitment and training programme to upskill its crucial volunteers in 2023-24 to continue its support to bereaved people in Edinburgh and the rest of Scotland.

St Columba’s: Supporting Your Child In Grief session

Our next ‘Supporting your child in grief’ session takes place on Thursday 11th January at 11am.

The session offers an opportunity for you to join other parents and carers to talk, share feelings and connect with one another. You can simply say it how it is, seek advice and hopefully pick up some tips from each other.

Register for free today at http://bit.ly/3vtaTTC

Baby loss memorial book

Charities and health professionals help design book – now open for applications

A Memorial Book is now open for anyone who has experienced pregnancy or baby loss prior to 24 weeks.

The book, produced jointly by the Scottish Government and National Records of Scotland, will give parents an opportunity – if they wish – to commemorate their loss with a physical record.

It was developed after listening to people who have experienced a pregnancy or baby loss prior to 24 weeks of pregnancy and is a free and entirely optional service.

Launching the book during a visit to the baby loss charity, Held In Our Hearts, First Minister Humza Yousaf said: “The loss of a baby at any stage of pregnancy has a profound impact on everyone affected, and the Scottish Government has listened to parents who told us how difficult it was that they often felt that their loss was not recognised.

“We have worked with health professionals, Royal Colleges, baby loss charities and National Records of Scotland to develop a Memorial Book of Pregnancy and Baby Loss, which provides a record of the loss, and a commemorative certificate.

“I am pleased that this is now open for applications from anyone who has experienced pregnancy or baby loss prior to 24 weeks. I am very grateful to everyone involved in making this a reality.

“I hope this will provide acknowledgment and a measure of comfort to those who have experienced the terrible sadness of a pre-24 week pregnancy or baby loss.”

Welcoming the announcement Nicola Welsh, Chief Executive of Held In Our Hearts, said: “The loss of a much-wanted baby at any stage of pregnancy, can be incredibly painful and isolating. 

“A family are left grieving for a life they wished for and until now, for pre-24 week pregnancy and baby loss, there was no formal way to recognise that these little ones existed. 

“The Memorial Book will, for the first time, provide the opportunity for families to have their little ones’ names added to the National Records of Scotland.  We hope that by memorialising these little lives in this way, it will provide much needed comfort and recognition to these families.”

Chief Executive of Sands, and Chair of the Baby Loss Awareness Alliance, Clea Harmer said: “We hope that anyone who has been affected by pregnancy and baby loss prior to 24 weeks will find comfort in this new Memorial Book.

“We understand how vital it is for those who experience a bereavement at any stage in pregnancy to have their baby acknowledged and remembered and know that their babies’ lives mattered.”

National Records of Scotland will hold the Memorial Book, process applications and issue certificates.

The service is free of charge, completely voluntary and historical applications are welcome, as are applications for more than one loss.

Applications can be made by going online to:

www.nrscotland.gov.uk/registration/memorial-book-of-pregnancy-and-baby-loss-prior-to-24-weeks and downloading and printing the application form.

Every Dog Has It’s Day 

Hundreds of dogs and their owners descended on Cammo Estate in Edinburgh on Sunday (20th August) for the annual dog show on behalf of the Lewis Leap charity. 

The show aims to raise awareness and funds for the charity which was set up to honour the memory and spirit of Cammo schoolboy Lewis Johnson, who died suddenly whilst on a family holiday aged just 13.  

The charity’s vision is to introduce a new service later this year to offer early support to local families who have suddenly and traumatically lost a child, sibling or parent.

They are partnering with national bereavement support group Cruse Scotland and the new service will support family members collectively and individually in the early stages of grief. 

For more information visit: www.lewisleap.com/cammo-dog-show 

Struggling with grief?

EDINBURGH DEATH CAFE

Stockbridge Library – Wednesday 26 July from 6.30 – 8pm

Are you grieving?

Would it be good to sit with others at the Edinburgh Death Cafe?

Please come along and join us on Wednesday 26 July 6.30 – 8pm Stockbridge Library.

Tea and cake.

@coopuk

#death

#deathcafe

#grief

#copingwithgrief

#talkaboutit

@TalesOfOneCity

‘Moved Beyond Measure’: King Charles says thank you on eve of final farewell

Over the last ten days, my wife and I have been so deeply touched by the many messages of condolence and support we have received from this country and across the world.

In London, Edinburgh, Hillsborough and Cardiff we were moved beyond measure by everyone who took the trouble to come and pay their respects to the lifelong service of my dear mother, The late Queen.

As we all prepare to say our last farewell, I wanted simply to take this opportunity to say thank you to all those countless people who have been such a support and comfort to my Family and myself in this time of grief.

His Majesty The King

HER MAJESTY THE QUEEN: A REMARKABLE LIFE

A new photograph has been released ahead of Her Majesty The Queen’s State Funeral.

The photo was taken to mark Her Majesty’s Platinum Jubilee – the first British Monarch to reach this milestone.

Today, millions will come together to commemorate her remarkable life.