Hogmanay Heights

Edinburgh Castle to become student accommodation and will double as exclusive holiday lets

There has been a furious reaction to news that Edinburgh Castle has been sold – and will be converted into top of the range student accommodation.

The city council says the sale will do much to change the capital’s old-fashioned image but heritage groups say the sale of the castle is an act of barbarism

Glen Morangie, marketing director of Historic Environment Edinburgh, confirmed: “The decision was a no brainer. The building has been lying idle for over a year and it’s beginning to show it’s age.

“The city council has ambitious plans for the city centre so we have decided that now is the time to think outside the box and jump on the bandwagon. Make no mistake, this plan is a win, win.

“The building, which will be renamed Hogmanay Heights, will be converted into as many student flats as we can legally get away with – and as a major plus we have negotiated a deal with the city council to take over Princes Street Gardens.

“The gardens will be coverted into a huge drying space – which we’ll call The Back Green – to enable students to dry their laundry. This is to compensate for the lack of space in the flats – to be honest you won’t be able to swing a cat in them, but students don’t really care about that sort of thing. Laundry, I mean.”

Essential Edinburgh also has plans for Hogmanay Heights during the summer and winter breaks.

Mr Morangie continued: “We’ll send the students packing at end of term, give the flats a quick spruce up and let them out – at exhorbitant rates – to tourists. Visitors to Edinburgh are used to being ripped off so they’ll lap it up – it’s all part of the unique Edinburgh experience!”

Rupert Morningside-Merchiston, a ‘change champion’ consultant for City of Edinburgh Council, said: “There are exciting times ahead in the capital. After a year of pandemic misery this is just the tonic that the citizens of Edinburgh want and need – not that we’ve asked them, of course.

“Rest assured, the city centre will be transformed. The boring old fuddy-duddy stuff will be gone for ever – the trees, the flowers and the statues will be replaced with line after line of crisp clean laundry blowing in the breeze. Auld Reekie no more: and Edinburgh – sponsored by Persil – will lead the way once again.”

The Esplanade will become a massive bicycle shed, which causes a major problem for the organisers of Edinburgh’s world famous Tattoo.

The Royal Edinburgh Military Tattoo’s Pipe Major Ruaridh Bannockburn said: “Of course we’ll miss Edinburgh Castle but times are changing, everyone’s cutting back and shows of miltary might ain’t what they used to be.

“Oddly enough, our very first Tattoo was a small event staged at the Ross Bandstand back in 1949, and it seems that we must now go back to our roots and stage a drastically scaled down Tattoo once again.

“With Underbelly’s permission we will be performing ‘Twa’ Pipers Ana’, Ana’ in a phonebox near the Ross Bandstand this August. Buy your tickets now, but remember to bring your own seat – the prices Underbelly charge are eye-watering!”

Archie Brunstane-Bingham, chairman of the Old Town Preservation Society, was unavailable for comment. It’s understood he’s moved to Glasgow.