SING WHEN YOU’RE LOSING!

Expert on how to cope with the disappointment of England’s defeat – and why singing is the perfect way to banish the disappointment of England’s loss to Spain:

AFTER days of expectation we now know … it’s NOT coming home.

And the washout summer is unlikely to lift the mood in the wake of England’s defeat against Spain. 

But according to a leading mental health expert the disappointment millions are now feeling isn’t necessarily a bad thing. 

And, channelled in the right way, Nathan Sherman, the director of therapy and training at Red Umbrella says, it can be turned into a positive. 

Here, Nathan, a qualified psychotherapist and counsellor with a background in private practice and 10+ years of experience in the field, offers his advice on how fans can cope with the aftermath of Sunday night’s defeat.

And one of his tips for coping is singing. 

“A surprisingly good way of releasing disappointment and frustration is actually singing,” he says. “Singing releases emotion, including anger, so put that favourite song on in the car, turn the volume up, and sing like no one is listening.”

Why do people get so disappointed in the aftermath of a sporting defeat?

Nathan says: “Disappointment is a normal human emotion to feel, but in many ways it can be healthy and helpful – disappointment might drive us to try harder, practice more and grow as a person.

It also helps us appreciate the wins more; if we always won at everything it would probably feel quite shallow and unsatisfying.

We experience a more emotional response when we attach more meaning to something. If it matters to me, I’m going to feel more disappointment if it goes wrong than if I don’t think something is that important. Sport is emotive to us because we value it – the camaraderie, the value we place on success, and how we view our national identity.

The England team represent us, we vicariously live their glories. Very few of us get to compete on a global stage, so we attach meaning to the actions of those who we feel represent us, as a way to experience some of that glory. Of course, when they lose, we feel the disappointment and loss just as keenly.”

How can we channel disappointment in a more positive way?

“Start by remembering, firstly, disappointment isn’t a bad thing. We like to attach meaning to emotions – this one is good, this one is bad, but all feelings are valid. The first thing we can do to help is talk through what we’re feeling.

“Bottling up disappointment not only helps it to build, but can easily turn that disappointment into anger and resentment.

“Firstly, we should talk it through with someone we trust, who is going to allow space for us to feel disappointed. Secondly, we should allow ourselves the space to feel this. It’s okay to feel this way in the day or two after the final.

“We don’t want it to last forever, and the feelings will subside, but for now, giving ourselves permission to feel what we feel is important. Thirdly, don’t fixate on the negatives. The team might have lost, but they also reached a second consecutive final. They are competing at the highest level and that’s a positive thing.

“We felt the disappointment of losing, but also the joys of winning along the way, of scoring goals and celebrating success.”

How can you avoid disappointment leading to anger? 

“It’s easy to get angry when we feel powerless, as none of us could control the result. Many people may feel upset at the result, and for men in particular, upset is not an emotion we’ve been allowed to express. So that upset turns to anger instead, because that’s been seen as a more acceptable emotion.

“Start by asking yourself if you really feel angry, or if you actually just feel sad. Recognising and expressing the right emotion is important. If you do feel angry, safe physical expression can help. Going for a walk, kicking a ball in a park, clenching and unclenching your fists or punching a pillow can all help express the physical energy of anger safely.”

What strategies can people have in place to avoid disappointment and overcome it?

“How we perceive disappointment can help with how we feel about it. If I told you that I could see the future and that England would lose in the next two major tournaments, but win the third, how would you feel about the next two tournaments? Probably some disappointment, but maybe not so much because you’d see it as one step closer to the one they would win.

“Seeing progress as a journey, not an end point, and knowing that losing helps us to grow and develop and often then leads to success, can change how we feel in the moment. Focusing on the good that we have experienced rather than the end point can shift how we feel, too.

How exciting was it to see young players performing well? How did we feel when England scored? What we choose to remember and focus on matters.”

When should you start to worry about the way you are feeling?

“Disappointment is normal to feel – but if that feeling persists longer than a few days, it’s best to reach out for help and support. Sometimes we might just need to have an outlet for our feelings, but if we weren’t feeling great to begin with, a disappointment like this can be the trigger for something more serious.

“Don’t be embarrassed or afraid to reach out for help. It might feel like something we ‘should’ cope with, but everyone is unique and we all respond differently. It’s okay to not be okay.

“Disappointment can feel worse if we’ve experienced other disappointments recently too. So, while we might think we don’t care that much about the football result, maybe that’s coming on top of a missed promotion at work, a relationship breakup, or any other kind of loss or disappointment.

“If you start to feel like you’re not quite yourself and you can’t work out why, because the football wasn’t that big of a deal to you, be aware that it could just be the straw that broke the camel’s back.”

About Nathan Shearman

Nathan Shearman is the director of therapy and training at Red Umbrella, an organisation that’s improving the mental wellbeing of the UK workforce by working in partnership with large employers to deliver bespoke mental health training and support solutions.

Nathan is a qualified psychotherapist and counsellor with a background in private practice and 10+ years of experience in the field.